if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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