I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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