why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
