Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
