Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
