White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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