He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
