Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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