I just pynch a tree in the face
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
