They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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