What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
