If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
