im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
