The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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