her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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