I think i peed on brittanys purse
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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