Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
