he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
