My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
