In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
