The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
