Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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