I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
