I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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