names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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