I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
