Im at strip club and am horny
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
