Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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