oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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