he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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