I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
