Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
