Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Randomize
