He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
