I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
