**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
