i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
