I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Send help, water and tortillas.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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