when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
