I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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