Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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