I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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