If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
