Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
