There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
