I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
