Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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