If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
