Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
