take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
